Planning for your own incapacity or death can be a stressful experience, not just for yourself, but for anyone who will be affected by the plan. Here are some considerations that may preserve the peace within your family, now and after your passing:

1. Communicate. First, communicate your wishes to your attorney. Identify special circumstances and family concerns, even when they feel awkward, so your advisor can use their expertise to advise you. Be specific. Ask questions. Consider alternatives to your initial plan. These can be major decisions, and your estate planning attorney can help you create a plan that implements your wishes. Second, consider whether you wish to communicate your estate plan to others in your family or circle of support. Will someone know whom to call in the event of your incapacity or death? Does anyone know where your original documents are stored, and how to gain access to your safe deposit box or home safe? Consider being open and honest with your family regarding your plans to avoid surprises, and to let them know these are clearly your wishes. What to communicate and to whom are essential considerations in any estate planning process.
2. Consider Family Dynamics. Do you have relatives who do not get along? Have you made substantially more lifetime gifts to one child over another? Do you have a second spouse with separate children? All these situations, and many more, can create rifts in the family after you’ve passed, depending on how you craft your estate plan. Study your family makeup and evaluate how everyone gets along when you design your plan. For example, if your children are not close, giving them the house to share and manage together may impose further stress and discord at a time when they are likely to be highly emotional already. Your plan should be custom-tailored to you and your family dynamics.
3. Be Clear in Your Instructions to Your Representatives. When you outline your estate plan, do not hesitate to spell out the details. Use examples when necessary. Add language regarding your intent, your hopes, and your direct orders. A diligent personal representative or trustee will have a much easier time administering your estate plan if you have provided the information they need to carry out your wishes. When you’re gone, you will not be available to answer questions or influence the behavior of beneficiaries.
4. Consider Alternatives for Changing Family Situations. Maybe your plan is simple and divides everything equally between your children. However, think about other options in case one of your children predeceases you, wins the lottery, becomes disabled, or simply does not want or need the money. Consider specifying where the deceased person’s inheritance will go: to their children, their spouse, the other children, or any other alternative that makes sense.
5. Appoint Fiduciaries Who Are Best for the Job. Many of us harbor an instinct to treat our family members fairly or equally when it comes to handing out responsibilities. Quite often, children are appointed co-trustees under a trust, or co-agents under a durable power of attorney. Although this may work in some families, if you favor this approach to keep the peace, you might actually achieve the opposite result. It could be wiser to appoint an independent trustee or agent to make decisions during your incapacity and after your death, or assign your children separate tasks that will not require them to get along and agree. A good fiduciary should be organized and diligent; possess great communication skills; be comfortable working with attorneys, CPAs, and other professionals; have the capacity to take on the job alongside their own responsibilities; and be prepared to take the duty seriously. These are critical qualifications for an ideal decision maker, depending on your family dynamics and assets.
6. Remember: You Are in Control. When developing your estate plan, never forget that you are in the driver’s seat. You may consider the opinions of others about what you should do and how, but you are not required to do so. Does the idea of managing a trust make you nervous, but everyone insists you must get one to avoid probate? Maybe it’s a good idea, but if it doesn’t feel right to you, then you should not bow to pressure to go along. The plan you devise has to work for you—not just after your death, but also throughout your lifetime. Find a good attorney to advise you regarding all your options; someone who will support you in assembling a plan that works for you and your unique circumstances.

This article summarizes aspects of the law. This article does not constitute legal advice. For legal advice regarding your situation, you should contact an attorney.